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V Not Into It

Let me take you back a few months. It was that time during the global pandemic where there was indoor dining but the weather was so beautiful you preferred eating outside. September through the start of October was a busy time for your girl, romantically. For the first time in my life I was dating multiple men at the same time. I didn't plan on it happening, but when I would be asked out on a date I was all about saying yes! I was all about having zero expectations on where things romantically would go for the first time in my life.


Here was the roster:


- The guy I had never met before but said yes to going golfing with as our first meeting/date. I dislocated my shoulder on hole one and then drank my pain away. I wish I was kidding. While he was nice, he got kind of weird when we hung out again and I enjoyed his friends more than him.


- Mountain man who I did have chemistry with! However, he wasn't someone I seriously saw myself dating.


- Very close friend of mine that after exploring a romantic connection we decided we're meant to be just friends.


- Guy who cooked for me for our second date and wanted something really serious, really quick. Who the hell do you think this post is about? We'll call him V as in very tall, very bad taste in restaurants, and very (on paper) my type.


Tall, good job, clear path in life, former college athlete, and did I mention tall? As all my dating stories begin... it started in the DMs. He responded to one of my IG stories and asked me on a date. It was pretty bold, which he reassured me he was a bold guy, and I said yes. Yes, because it was the time where I just said yes to pretty much anyone. In my mind, you cast a big net you might catch a good fish.

*Just me and my 6'5" prize*


I should have known we weren't going to be compatible when he suggested we go to this restaurant that I wasn't a fan of for our first date. It's not the worst restaurant I've ever been to, but it was one of the spots that you go once and you're totally fine never going back again. I would have been more content going to an obscure restaurant chain/drive-thru than go back to this place. Arby's would have been a better option than this restaurant. Alas, he was paying and, again, I was just saying yes.


During the date I drove the conversation and we did have a few things in common. One thing we didn't have in common was our sense of humor. I'm more of a raunchy, dark humor type of girl. I'd describe it as dripping in sarcasm but always pushing the limit with a splash of inappropriateness - normally a crowd pleaser. His sense of humor read more dad joke, movie quote with a side of a hearty belly laugh. Nothing wrong with it per say, I'd politely laugh... I mean he was paying. Plus, I was fine being the funnier one - I usually am.


We did kiss after our date and again... something just felt off. It wasn't the worst kiss I've ever had, but it definitely makes my stomach turn over thinking back on it. One of those kisses were it's like you're just speaking a different language. I'm speaking light biting and a small amount of tongue. Meanwhile, he's ferociously pecking at me and trying to play tonsil hockey at the same time. I wasn't into it, but I just kept trying to force it. Bitch, he's 6'6" and into you - just see where it goes.

*Exactly, ewww David*


Well, it next went to him inviting me over for dinner where he wanted to cook for me. At the time I was flattered, I hadn't had a guy cook for me in a few years. Last guy that did suffered from erectile dysfunction and was wanting to marry me after knowing me for a month, ahhhh memories. V wanted to take me to the Italian Market which I was super into. It's a Philadelphia staple and I love Italian food more than most human interaction so I was 100% down.


I enjoyed perusing the market more than actually getting to know V. I did appreciate his expertise of where to go to find the best fresh mozzarella I've had outside of Italy. The conversation was very dry and didn't give me any butterflies. I remember wishing I was back in my apartment spending my Saturday with my favorite person, myself. However, the allure of fresh mozz, good wine, and someone whipping it up in the kitchen for me was still attractive.


*Claudio's for the fresh mozz... run don't walk*


V went to work in the kitchen while my job was cheese board and drinking the great wine. I will give him credit that he had some incredible Napa reds on deck. Another responsibility of mine was to cook the pasta and this is where it gets weird. I was boiling pasta and suddenly V picks me up and starts making out with me. Not really making out though, just like aggressively and continuously pecking me on the lips. THE WATER IS BOILING AND THE PASTA IS GETTING SOGGY, SIR! Please stop attacking me with your lips :/

*Iconic Vanderpump Rules moment... RIP*


V was into it while I was very not into it. I was into eating the food though, which was fucking great. V will make some woman very happy one day with his cooking skills. As long as they're on board with his kissing style which, again, I was fucking not. So we're done with dinner and for weeks all I had been wanting to do was watch this new true crime doc on Netflix, American Murder: The Family Next Door. It's a really disturbing story, but I had followed the case pretty closely and love true crime.


V knew I wanted to watch this documentary, but homeboy would NOT keep his hands to himself the entirety of the film. I wasn't aware (at the time) that he had finished more than a bottle of wine himself and was pretty wasted. V in his drunken stupor launched another pecking style attack, but this time with the aroma of wine and chicken parm clinging to his hot breath. The pecks were becoming longer and literally at one point he was just pursing his lips on mine. Each peck felt like an eternity of torture I didn't deserve.

*An accurate re-enactment*


"Can we please just watch the movie?" I asked with a pained voice. I wanted to be respectful because I appreciated him cooking for me, but was also getting annoyed at the persistent, and unattractive intimacy. I was officially turned off... and once she's off she ain't getting back on.


I am constantly checking myself and my harsh judgements when it comes to personal relationships. Am I being too hard on someone? Am I being too judgemental?


90% of the time I'm not... but I was willing to see if V was in the lucky 10%. Maybe he was just drunk and we can work on the kissing. She's forever the optimist with tall guys. I decided to give him one more shot and we were going back and forth on days that would work for dinner. Now remember I'm balancing not only my very busy work schedule, but also dating three other guys. We eventually decided on Monday and then this text exchange happened:



I'm sorry... does "sounds good" not mean what I think it means??? That's a rhetorical question, of course it fucking does. I then decided to hit him with the one-two punch that I was seeing other people and oh yeah... you've known me for less than two weeks. He pushed back saying he was looking for something more serious and not wanting to be just a guy on a roster. Totally valid point on his end, but in my opinion not your place to say when you've known someone for such a short time. Also, I was being nice letting you know I was seeing other people - easily could have lied. OH YEAH AND WE HAVE BEEN ON ONLY TWO DATES - OKAY SOUNDS GOOD LOLOLOLOL.


I view the dating world as a constant lesson. What I learned from V is that you can't force chemistry. No matter how shiny and perfect he may seem on paper... if that intimacy and chemistry isn't there it's not meant to be. I'm not a total monster. He's a nice guy and a very talented cook! I wish him well and hopefully he doesn't read this. Also, hopefully he understands what "sounds good" means because holy shit.


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