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The Most Savage Thing I've Ever Done

I know that I can be a bit of a man-eater when I’m in the mood. Sometimes one guy just isn’t fulfilling me enough so I go seeking another to pick up where the other may be lacking. Say I really enjoy the conversation with Brad but there's zero sexual chemistry. Then I’ll recruit a random Chad to.... look... she has needs. Back in the winter, I displayed savage, fuck-boy adjacent behavior on a date. You’re in for a treat:

Well…. I was on a date with a guy we can call Tom (not his name, it’s awful I can’t even remember this kid’s actual name). We went to Harp & Crown and got a seat at the bar. I love a bar seat date because it’s not as formal and a safe space to potentially get drunk if the date sucks. Well the bar seat setting is VERY important to this story because it’s where I saw them.

Them, being two of the most attractive men I have ever seen in the city of Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love, historically, doesn’t have many attractive (straight) men. Many, many beautiful girls and handsome gay men are plentiful. But the attractive straight men tend to be under 5’10” and you know she doesn’t like that! : /

Anyway, back to them. One was tall and blonde and in a sharp suit. I caught him looking at me many times, as we were seated directly across from them at the bar. The other, was Italian- looking and had dark hair and dressed more casually. He had a nice smile and I caught myself looking at him more than blondie. It got to the point where I felt eyes on me and was having a hard time listening to Tom’s conversation about his cat. I wish I was kidding.

We ordered some pizza and drinks. And then it gets interesting. Tom takes a bite of his pizza and the next thing I know his tongue is gushing blood. Like guys, gushing blood because he bit his tongue so hard trying to eat over-priced pizza. GUSHING BLOOD. He shows me his bleeding mouth and says he’s going to the bathroom. I’m momentarily alarmed but then I look up and make eyes with the dark-haired guy across the bar. In that instance I decide to be bold and do something I have only ever seen in the movies.

I motion to a passing by waiter and quickly ask him for a pen and paper. He looks at me blankly not comprehending what I’m asking for. “I need to write my number to give to this guy, but I am on a date and don’t want the guy I’m with to see me,” I quickly say. Still he meets me with a blank stare and I know he’s thinking that I’m insane. I decide to abort the mission and return to my seat at the bar. Moments later Tom joins me again embarrassed and apologizing for the savage way he was eating his pizza. I, of course, tell him it’s not a big deal but my mind is still on hot guy across the bar.

Tom takes a sip of his drink and winces horribly. I suggest he go back to the bathroom and make sure the cut is cleaned out. He says no, I still insist… I’m itching to get one more shot of giving hot guy across the bar my number. Tom goes BACK to the bathroom and as soon as he’s out of ear-shot I wave down the bartender.

“I know this sounds crazy but.. I’m on a date and he’s nice but there isn’t a connection here. I was wondering if you could give the guy across the bar my number and just explain to him I’m on a date but I think he’s really attractive,” I quickly say. She looks at me and... smiles. I tell her what he’s wearing and she says she’s on it. SHE IS A REAL ONE. As she turns to walk away Tom returns and we continue our average, cat-oriented conversation.

I know what some of you may be thinking.. I suck. I know, I’m not proud of it but sometimes in life you just have to go for it! I was just shooting my shot at a rare hot (tall) Philly guy. A few minutes go by and I’m listening to Tom drone on about his workout routine and I feel my phone vibrate. I glance up and dark-haired sex face guy is looking at me with a smile. I know he just shot me a text. I excuse myself to use the bathroom where he later meets me. Here is the text and then I screen-shotted and obviously sent it to my girlfriends, BECAUSE THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENS.

Yup, communal bathrooms, thank G for them!! We quickly introduce ourselves, and in this post we'll call him Jerry. Jerry asks me point blank why I'm not into the date I'm on, even commentating he was watching me laugh a lot. "He's very nice but there isn't a romantic connection there on my end," I tell him. He smiles and I can tell it's an acceptable answer. I tell him to meet me at a bar by my apartment around 11 PM.

I still feel awful that Tom paid for the meal and I knew the entire time I wasn't into it. I believe I offered to split the bill but this was so long ago I honestly can't remember. Maybe I didn't, maybe you're judging me, and maybe I don't blame you!!

From here it got tricky... Tom parked near my apartment so I we took an Uber back and he asked to see my rooftop, ugh. We are on the roof and Tom drops this winner on me: "my mouth doesn't taste bloody anymore, can I kiss you?" he shyly says. I can't stop laughing about the bloody tongue typing this. I let him kiss me and it's brief and (thankfully) not bloody. He leaves and I text Jerry right away desperate for a connection sans bodily injuries.

Jerry and I meet up and all the missing sexual chemistry and attraction from my previous date was made up for in the dingy-dive bar we were at. He saved the paper I had the bartender slip him which I thought was adorable (see below photo, lol). All in all we had some stuff in common but it was more the spontaneity that intensified the physical chemistry. This guy was hot, the moment was hot, and I was buzzing with excitement that I pulled it off. We had a few drinks and went back to my apartment.

In true R&M fashion I will keep it 100% here and say yes, we hooked up! Yes, it was good and spontaneous! No, I never saw him again because he sucks! There were some major red flags he threw at me at the dive bar. He has never had a girlfriend, he's hung up on the last girl he liked who wouldn't commit to him, and he isn't sure what he wants to do with his life... So, it's not like I was seriously interested anyway, I know a fixer-upper when I see one. And that's the most savage thing I've ever done... that I'll admit to, lol.

So.... how are you all feeling after reading this? Am I terrible now? Better not be, I just bared my, low-key iconic, soul to you all with this thrilling tale. If you can take anything from this story I hope it's that you go for it when you see someone so attractive it makes you tingle all over. Because that's what shooters do, they shoot. Chat later <3

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Aug 20, 2020


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