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This is going to be a brutally honest post about something extremely upsetting that happened to me over the weekend. I got disrespected, hurt, and had my time wasted by a guy I really grew to care about. You guys know I always am honest in my writing and I find it as a great outlet for when I'm stressed. This isn't a post for sympathy or attention - I just hope someone can relate to this post and know you're not alone. As always, thanks for reading.

I was smitten. Absolutely smitten with N. I really wasn't expecting it but he really caught me by surprise. Apparently we had met four years ago when I first moved to the city. I was fresh out of a breakup and he had a girlfriend but apparently I caught his eye and stayed on his mind throughout the years. It started when our mutual friend was visiting from Chicago and asked if I wanted to get lunch. I haven't seen this kid in years so I was totally down to catch up with an old friend. He told me was coming too. I asked who he was and he reminded me we all used to go out together. I truly didn't remember him but still agreed to go to the lunch. My friend ended up having to cancel so I never got to meet this N that I supposedly knew.

Later that day I get an IG follow from and he's really cute. I follow back and that's where the flirtation begins. He starts sliding in my DM's and being very complimentary. We do this for a few months and then finally we exchange numbers. I tell him straight up what I'm looking for and he says he doesn't think he's the guy for me. He said he's in an on and off relationship and his life is a bit of a mess right now. I appreciate the honesty yet we continue talking and eventually there are plans for us to get a drink. As if we were going to be friends. 

The date is great and the attraction is undeniable. We leave the first bar and he kisses me. "I have wanted to do that for a very long time," he tells me as he pulls me back again. We end up having a seven-hour first date and I'm not ashamed of it - we had sex on the first date. It just all felt right. It was a whirlwind, we soon started spending almost every day together and having numerous sleepovers. I was so happy, N made me feel beautiful, smart, and important. I felt like I met the perfect guy for me. He was handsome, funny, hardworking, and obsessed with me (in the best way). 

I had received some bad news about a very close family friend last week and was there for me. He dropped meetings to take me to lunch and make me feel better. It felt so nice not being alone in such a trying time. I felt like I had someone who truly had my back and cared about me. Well.. of course this isn't a happy, lovey-dovey post.

Here we fucking go:

It had been a whirlwind three weeks but we both were extremely vocal about our feelings about each other. "I like you so much, you make me so happy, you're mine, you're the person for me, I care about you so much, you being in my life makes me a better person," we both said to each other. My family was in town for the weekend and I asked him if he wanted to meet them. He said he'd love to and I beamed inside. I really thought he was the perfect guy. I felt so lucky to have found him.

Friday he meets them and it goes great. They really like him and they can tell how happy he makes me. I legitimately can't remember the last time I felt that happy. We say goodbye to my parents and we talk for a longtime about his past relationship and where ours is going. He says that him and his ex were better as friends and she wasn't the person for him. He talked about her looks and her not being very attractive. Their sex life could have been better, etc. He then said that I was his girl and the only person he wants to see. It was a productive conversation and I left it feeling even more confident in what we had. I know it was only three weeks but it just felt so right and again, I was so fucking happy.

We spend the night together and I take him home the next morning. We had a great time and he Is headed to an event in New Jersey for the night and promises to see me Sunday. This is where shit hits the fan. We text all day, I check in on him and he does the same. The last text he sends me around 9 PM is, "I miss you baby!" and then everything changes.

I'm out with my girlfriends and I see that he posts a picture on his IG story... with his ex-girlfriend. Time stopped and I felt like I was drowning. I had previously texted him saying I needed to talk to him (I had gotten some bad news about something else prior) and needed his support. He wasn't answering those texts and then seeing that picture it made sense. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I started to call him.

Now, I'm super embarrassed to say this but I'm all about being honest: I went fucking crazy. I'm not normally a crazy girl but I was seeing red. I sent him 10 texts and called him 50 times between early Sunday night and Sunday mid-day. Everything was going unanswered and I knew he had his phone because he was posting on his IG story. I was picturing him with his ex in bed laughing at my despair and desperation. It just made NO sense. HE HAD JUST MET MY FAMILY!! I felt completely blindside. I'm normally so skilled at seeing red flags and this guy was showing me nothing except respect and infatuation until this moment.

I barely slept that night and was having irrational thoughts, I just needed to talk to him. Finally... he calls me and tells me what happened. Apparently, he randomly ran into his ex at the same event (still skeptical about this) and realized he was still in love with her. They had sex that night and he saw me blowing him up but didn't want to deal with the guilt so he didn't answer. I hope your mouth is open because mine sure as fuck was when he told me this.

I never, ever would think that would hurt me... but especially not like this. He came over on Sunday night and apologized to me in person, he got emotional and let me scream and cry at him. I hate to give him any credit but I do believe he was really remorseful for his actions and the pain he caused me. I'm crying writing this post because it hurts so bad to be disrespected like that - especially after he met my family and all the things he was constantly telling me. I know that he told me early on he wasn't the guy for me and in retrospect... maybe I should have listened. But his actions and words since we actually met and dated were so starkly different and I chose to believe those. I don't wish well in life - the only nice thing I'll say about him is I appreciate him being man enough to apologize to me in person and explain what happened.

So he ruined my beautiful eyelash extensions, my appetite, and my faith in the male gender. I really can't even fathom dating anyone else ever again because this pain hurts SO bad. I feel like the emotional rug has been pulled from under me and I am just falling with no end in sight. Some of you may think I'm being dramatic and guess what - I don't fucking care. This was so shocking and hurtful but I really don't think I could ever put myself out there and be this vulnerable again. So yes, I am retiring from dating because what's the fucking point. I hate being sad and I'm slipping into a dark place because of this fucking guy. 

I don't know how to end this post... It felt good to write it down and my feelings because I've just been a crying mess. I hope the complete honesty can resonate with at least one person. I really, really am trying to see the bright side of this situation. At least we weren't together for a year and then he told me he loved his ex. At least I have a great family and group of girlfriends who have my back and have been the best support system. At least I'm pretty, thank god. Maybe the guy I'm supposed to be is actually out there - it's just hard to be my usual positive self. I feel like 2019 has really fucking sucked for my dating life. I'm going to just focus on me and stop looking for anything. As my mom always says, "it'll all work out and what's meant to be will happen." I keep telling that to myself over and over - thanks for reading <3


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