HAPPY MONDAY, HOOKERS! You're in for a treat with this post. I teamed up with my friend, hot girl Dia - also known as @brokebutmoisturized for today's daily dose of brutal honesty - insight into the female mind. I met Dia through Instagram and our friendship is all thanks to a guy I went on a Hinge date with. On the date we were talking about my website and he mentioned his friend runs a great blog I should check out. So I did and I was hooked. Dia is an INCREDIBLE writer and has had her work featured on Huff Post. She's also working on a book and take a look at her website. Dia is so effortlessly cool and her reading is so relatable. Her website broke but moisturized is a must-read, give her an IG follow as well for style inspo, hot girl content, and a good laugh at her dating stories. I am obsessed with her Daily Drip posts - it's Dia's updates of what she's feeling, thinking, currently into, etc.
Dia and I decided we wanted to do a Q&A about dating/sex/love questions because we get them a lot on IG. We got a ton of responses (tysm for writing them in) and chose our top 10 to answer. We're thinking of making this a continued post so if you like it... please let us know! Alright, you ready?
Here we goooooooo:
How do you meet people?:
R: Well you guys know I'm on dating apps. So I use Bumble and Hinge and go out on a decent amount of dates thanks to those apps. I think both Dia and I have the confidence to go up and talk to a guy. Also, I've met guys through coworkers, friends, and even family members. I really enjoy meeting guys out at bars or breweries - it's a more laid back, approachable environment. Meeting people in this day and age can be tricky because we're all lazy af and would rather meet someone on our phones in the comfort in our bed. DO NOT COME UP TO ME AT THE GYM (unless you're Leonardo DiCaprio).
D: There’s no limit to my methods of meeting people. I’m not on dating apps, so I take more circuitous routes. Like Riliegh said, I’m not scared to approach people. If I keep making eye contact with someone I find sexy, I’ll pull the trigger. If I see a guy with a cool outfit or something I really love like a good mustache, I will waltz right up and pay my respects. I’m pretty active on social media, so I’ve met a good number of guys through Instagram DMs. Back to dating apps, though—my friend actually messaged a guy on Hinge FOR me and we went on a couple dates. Highly recommend that wing woman/man move, as it makes for a funny dynamic and a good story.
What are thoughts on ghosting/cloaking?:
D: One of my followers actually put me on to the concept of cloaking. Cloaking is when you don’t just ghost someone, but you block them on all forms of communication. I’m not going to act like I haven’t ghosted before (typically inadvertently—like, I’ll just forget to respond), but in general, I’m personally against this. Not to be idealistic, but every mature adult should be secure enough in themselves to take rejection in stride. Therefore, everyone deserves an honest, “hey, I’m just not feeling it.” I’ve actually made tons of friends from dating and being upfront about my romantic disinterest. Though I personally don’t ghost/cloak, I don’t think it’s inherently cruel or wrong when executed after a date or two. We are all entitled to protecting our energy.
R: I am a cloaker and I'm PROUD. However, I don't cloak a guy without telling them why first. I am very upfront about why I don't like them/aren't attracted to them or I will point out what went wrong. I then go on to block them on all forms of social media because I don't want someone I rejected being able to see where I am/who I'm with etc. I don't think highly of people who ghost others - just be honest with them. It may hurt their feelings temporarily but they will appreciate it down the line.
Can a relationship survive cheating?:
R: I don't believe any relationship can survive cheating. Once that trust is broken there will always be insecurity that the person that cheated may do it again. If the person cheated on you.. no matter if it was a drunken kiss or full-blown sex that's just too big of a disrespect in my book. Now, I'm no angel and I've cheated before. Why? Because I wasn't really in love with my boyfriend and wanted to see what else is out there. If someone cheats then it's just not meant to be - move on.
D: Oooof this hits close to home. When I first moved to Philadelphia, I met whom I believed was the love of my life within a month. Six months into our storybook romance, he gets brutally wasted at a work happy hour and goes home with… his fucking intern. We exhausted every option to heal. He started therapy immediately. We broke up for seven months, got back together and did couple’s counseling. It was arduous and we ultimately did not survive. That being said, the experience gave me a new perspective on infidelity. I used to view cheaters as nothing more than the sum of their mistakes. I now understand how unique every case of affair truly is, and that despite our messy fallibility, we all have the capacity for change. This was a very long-winded way to say yes, I believe a relationship can survive cheating. Repeat offenses, though? That’s another beast. EVERYONE should listen to Esther Perel’s TEDTalk, Rethinking Infidelity.
How do I tell my bf/gf I want them to be more exciting in bed?
R: GOOD QUESTION!! I like this one a lot because let's be real... we've all been in a situation where someone just doesn't fully do it for us but we enjoy them for more than the physical aspect. I would suggest just being honest with them and telling them what you want in the bedroom. Or maybe watch a movie scene that's echoing what you want done to you/you want to do to them. 50 Shades of Grey has like a million scenes you can use as inspiration. Make sure to start the conversation off with how attracted you are to the person though, you don't want them to be on the defense... butter them up first.
D: Dump him, sis. Just kidding. The sexual health of your relationship is vital, and comfort is the foundation of truly good sex. If you’re experiencing a communication blockage in the bedroom, it’s likely coming from a deeper place that you’ll want to address. A good partner will want to meet your needs, but closed mouths don’t get fed. Being direct and explicit will save you a lot of grief… and will probably turn them on.
How long do I wait to sleep with a guy to not be seen as "just sex"?:
D: I want you to write down your personal answer to this on a piece of paper… and swiftly toss it into the nearest trash can. Kobe! Whether you fuck on the first night or the eighth, you’ll be able to tell if someone’s in it for the sex by how they treat you. Is he/she asking you questions about yourself? Does he/she make plans to see you again outside of the bedroom? Do you have consistent communication with him/her? Have both parties communicated their intentions? If you’re worried about objectification, try asking yourself those questions and assessing the situation before sleeping with someone, especially if sex equals romantic attachment for you.
R: This is a tricky one... I think some men view girls who give it up to soon as "easy" and that sets the tone for the relationship. If I really like a guy (more than just physically) I try to wait at least three dates. I want to see if they like me for more than what I look like and if they're going to invest in three dates (that they pay for) then I’ll want to take things to the next physical level.
How to tell if you're dating a boy or a man?:
R: Fantastic fucking question - I love this one. Men know who they are and what they want. Boys think they know who they are and are talented shapeshifters who give girls the impression they know what they want - they don't. A man has his shit together while a boy is gawking at his credit card bill from the night before. Don't get it twisted - a man can still morph into a boy temporarily. The whole gender sucks, sorry this wasn't the best answer lol.
D: Being subject to the fuckery of a manchild is the great common denominator of our time. Boys are selfish. Their agenda is “me and mine.” Men are selfless. Their agenda is “us and ours.” I’m hugely anti-judgmental, too, so guys who aren’t kind without limitation are typically relegated to the Shelf of Boys™. I also wholeheartedly agree with Riliegh that key indicators are a strong sense of self and the direct expression of wants/needs. Caveat: you need to ASK. I see way too many women waste time on guys who aren’t looking for relationships, and they haven’t even done the due diligence of asking. If a guy is open about only wanting sex, that does not preclude him from being “a man,” because he exercised honesty—a bare minimum of basic human decency. When you’re dating a man, there’s no guessing involved.
What is something besides the obvious that men need to pay more attention to in bed?:
D: My mind! Being a writer just amplifies how word-oriented I am, which translates in my sex life. Sexting is my favorite thing on earth. I love dirty talk in bed. I could get really graphic here, but I’ll spare you the HR flags for those of you reading from work computers. Another place people don’t pay enough attention to (in my experience) is inner thighs. If you tease me for a long time and touch me there heavily, when we actually get going, I will orgasm way quicker.
R: Agree with Dia about stimulating the mind as well in the bedroom. Hands are also big for me, be exploratory with your hands. Don't just rest them on the small of my back, this isn't a G-rated movie. Also, ask the girl what she likes during fooling around. There's nothing hotter than a guy that wants to please you.
What are your thoughts on casual sex?:
D: I truly feel fortunate that I can have sex and not get emotionally attached. I know that’s hard for a lot of people. That said, I think casual sex is incredibly healthy, but you need to know yourself and what you can handle emotionally. There’s still this antiquated stigma around casual sex, especially for women. In 2019, I’m bewildered by the discomfort toward getting tested regularly and carrying condoms. But honestly, if you can buss it down without picking out your baby names afterward, go’n get laid.
R: I, like Dia, am able to separate my need from my feelings with certain men. My advice: do it and don't develop feelings for the person you're doing it with. It is strictly a stress-reliever for you and you need to communicate that to the other person before to ensure there won't be hurt feelings. If it’s going to be casual sex you need to keep your feelings even more lax. I also agree with Dia, wear condoms and get tested, I don't understand people who "chance" it when it comes to casual sex.
Craziest thing you’ve done for the D:
R: Sometimes you just really need it, lol. So, craziest thing I’ve ever done is get to the bar with my friends, immediately leave with a guy, and then walk a mile in Jeffrey Campbell Lita shoes (used to be all the rage - absolute eyesores now) to get it. Or I’ve drastically lowered my standards because your girl just had the craving.
D: This is a fun one. The first night I met my ex of four years, I drug him into an alley in downtown Bloomsburg and… yeah. Then, we tried taking it to my apartment and were locked out, so I BROKE INTO MY NEIGHBORS’ and hooked up with him on their couch. Steve and Kyle, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Also, how epic is it that THAT night turned into a four year relationship? (albeit a crazy, drug-fueled one)
Is there an appropriate amount of time to wait prior to jumping back in the dating world?
D: Timeline questions are tough for me because they’re so arbitrary. You wait until you feel ready, and even “ready” looks different for everyone. I also think going on dates can be a helpful tool to heal from a breakup. For example, I’ve wound up with a new boyfriend just weeks after a breakup, or, like now, been single and careful af about even going on dates for seven months. I’m of the mentality that when you meet someone incredible, you don’t even think about the timing; you just fucking go for it.
R: In my opinion, NO! There is no timeline for when you should be fully over someone and under someone new. I think it all depends on the person and the type of relationship you’re getting out of. If you recently broke up with a total loser then I think it may be a little easier to get out there. If you broke up with the person you thought you were going to marry and maybe distance became an issue then it may take you much longer. Just start going out more, get on some dating apps, ask friends to set you up, and see what else is out there hunniiiiii.